Tuesday, September 9, 2008

just a slice of bitter pie (excerpt from an email to a best friend when asked what i do to "protect myself" when all i want to do is hide in a cave)

The whole “protecting myself” situation by the way involves a few key ingredients:
  • at least 2 glasses of wine or hard alcohol to find that perfect sweet spot to numb the mind and find some much needed sleep
  • not hanging out with people I want to punch in the face. (this was difficult the first 2 weeks because I wanted to punch everyone in the face)
  • allowing myself to have the philosophy of “f*** it!” running through my mind (obviously I mean the “I couldn’t care less” mentality rather than having lots of sex mentality)
  • making [insert hubs name here] promise that when he gets his school loan for this semester I buy a canon rebel xti (still no clue as to what the hell I need a fancier camera for, but it’s nice to have something bigger than a pack of small chicas v-necks from target in my future to purchase)
  • allowing myself to feel better than everyone else who’s never experienced loss, pain and/ or true grief and/ or serious depression. (“Eff all those effing pansy ass jerkoffs who would never even truly come close to appreciating pure joy!”)
  • Listening to heartbreakingly sad, sappy, often times involving some sort of slow piano playing songs in my car when I’m driving by myself. (No one knows I’m crying if I have sunglasses on and in my air conditioned car.)

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

It's been 2 months and a lifetime since I last spoke...

I'm just not sure how long it's going to be until I find something to share.

Friday, June 6, 2008

fave quote this week

"whatever you think i was doing behind that bush, it wasn't peeing," said [drunk] man walking out from behind a bush as my husband walked our dog.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Not so simple simplicity

Tiny efforts/ goals that hopefully assist me in becoming/ realizing the best version of me:
  • Making my bed every morning- There is something about a freshly made bed that helps to cheer me up first thing in the morning. Somehow looking at it finalizes the fact that I am awake and it is a new day. Although, I still want to crawl back in it and sleep for another 6 hours. I'm hoping that by starting each day with a made bed will trickle down into the "cleaning/ organizing" of the rest my house.
  • Waking up at least one hour before I need to leave for work or other morning activities- I am a serious sleep junkie. I hit snooze at least 3 times. Every minute counts. I would love to be one of those people who can pop out of bed refreshed and ready to actively participate in their day. I, however, every morning groggily zombie walk my way to the bathroom and hope that I don't have to talk to anyone before lunch and/ or 2 cups of coffee. If anyone reading this has ANY tips to curb this serious sleep addiction, please share.
  • Sending thank you cards/ birthday cards/ replying to emails/ voicemails in a timely manner- How hard can it be to be intentionally responsible for creating better lasting relationships? Apparently this is very hard for me. Still not sure if my lack of effort is a result of moving around so much. I need to be proactive in my relationships rather than reactive. Maybe this tiny step of communicating better will help...
  • If reading, then writing- For (almost) 29 years, I have managed to build for myself safe, secure little walls that keep all my secret "talents" well guarded. This is my obvious effort to never know failure, and by default I never really know success either. In order to challenge myself to greater heights, I must do 2 things: 1) continue to read/ reread others who have taken the risks to put their talent out there (some great, some weak, some breathtaking); and 2) continue to write, write, write (some great, some weak, some breathtaking).
  • Choose me- (I think) I am not usually a selfish, demanding person. I can think of only one time I ever threw a temper tantrum as a child (It was over not eating scrambled eggs and I'm pretty sure I didn't want to eat them because I had the stomach flu.) I give away my seat on the bus. I share raspberry kiss cookies from Porto's. I genuinely listen to people vent. I offer my couch when needed. All pretty standard actions, I think. What I do however do instead, is become hyper self aware and self involved with my own issues/ weaknesses. Because I am so self conscious, all I can think about, write about, share in conversations are the negative things happening in my life. Negative= exciting/ worthy to me. Sharing positives seems so mediocre and flat to me. "No one wants to hear about those things." In order to stop this instinctive self wallowing, I need to "chose me". I need to "selfishly" take control of my time. Say "No" whenever I hesitate. Learn to be decisive. Speak often. Speak loud. Find my voice.
That should do it. I think. For now...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Here's the deal...

I turn 29 in about 6 weeks. Which really means that after I tell people how old I am, their first response will be, "Wow, you're turning 30 next year!" Super! Thanks for reminding me.

Although I am not one to consider 30 near "old", or near "too old" for that matter, I am worried my subconscious might. So in an effort to control the urge to create depressing playlists, stop taking showers, and/ or eat otter pops and pinot grigio for dinner every night, I am creating goals (most mini, some regular size, and one monumental) that I am challenging myself to meet.

Because really my life is founded on challenges, not outcomes. I truly enjoy the journey and just pushing myself to take the steps needed to get there is satisfying enough. Meeting each goal is just a bonus.

This is the philosophy I am hoping my subconscious believes in too.

List to be compiled soon enough...

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

old photos

younger? wiser? impacting? memorable? honest?

avoiding discouragement, i seek to encourage

fave quote of the weekend:

my brother in law to his 3 year old daughter, "you smell like soccer."
the 3 year old replied, "you smell like balls."

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Maybe because I am suffering from a serious food hangover from yesterday, but I need some creative pick me ups...

Things that will remind me to smile today:
  • Seattle on Friday
  • Sephora's Super Hydrating Sun Mist that smells like the beach
  • INDIANA JONES opens next weekend
  • SYTYCD starts next week
  • Dowds are coming to visit
  • Erin's coming to visit
  • Seattle on Friday :)
That helped a bit...

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I kinda feel like I'm cheating on my new moleskin by typing for the blog...

There is this very romantic idealized version of myself
walking around in rainbows
new nikon strapped around my neck
sunglasses on
drinking coffee
writing poems in the moley
snapping away my perspectives on life via fisheye.

Too bad I don't have $1400 to blow.
Or any clue how use a digi cam enough to do it justice.

That sunglass wearing
snap snapping
fisheye watching
lady is out there...

I can't wait to meet her.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

things that make me happy today and then there is the other end...

I need to remember:

  • exploring flickr's "interesting photos from the last 7 days"
  • waking up because the sun was in my eyes
  • steamed milk in my coffee
  • discovering how amazing scrambled eggs are if you use cream cheese instead of milk
  • slurpees at midnight

i need to forget:
  • that my skinny jeans don't fit me today
  • i have dog hair on my shirt
  • that it's not 85 degrees out
  • that my mom just called me crying
  • the checks i sent to the IRS

Friday, April 4, 2008

favorite text from my mom this week: What?! a possible nkotb reunion? How can you stand it! by the way where has Ed Norton been all my life?!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Looks like neither is winning in the blog vs. moleskin challenge; it's been 2 weeks and I continue to simply see a blank page...


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