Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Clarity

One year ago this week we were told we were pregnant with Ivy.  She was so new that coupled with a painful ovarian cyst and low low hormone levels after an empty ultrasound we were told the pregnancy was ectopic.

Even though I didn't think I was ready for a second child, the heartbreak came immediately.

I knew I loved her.
Tons.
I knew I would miss her.
Tons.

Two days later I sat on the cool crisp paper in the doctor's office. Again vulnerable. Again with an emptyness. Again with a loss.

"Before we give you this, let's just double check some things."

Deep breath and a faint faint faint glimmer of hope...

...
...
...

THERE! SHE! WAS! Tiny and waiting to be known.


We sat in a doctor's office today. Parents' instinct led us there.

"There's trouble with her eye."
"A malformed optic nerve."

Surprisingly, I wasn't sick with the news. I was calm. Proud of the questions I knew to ask. Proud of the big life I know she'll still get to have despite a difference. Grateful that it's a minute difference.

"Different, not less."


I get sickening chills when I think "what ifs".  What if a day earlier?  What if a different doctor?  What if?...

Instead I have what was.
And now this lovely, amazing what is.

Science is a fantastic, magical thing.

5 comments:

MamaMeg said...

She's lucky to have you as a mommy:)

Amy said...

i'm so beyond lucky to be her mommy.

mimi the zookeeper - said...

you humble me. you never cease to amaze me. you inspire me. she is indeed the luckiest little girl to have you for a mommy. and i'm the luckiest mom to have you. xo

Nessa Bixler said...

I as misty reading this and then read these to comments and got full on tears. Hugs to you.

Maryrose said...

Special babies are given to very special parents. You are truly blessed and she is a treasure! (((HUGS))) Keep us posted!

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