Even though I didn't think I was ready for a second child, the heartbreak came immediately.
I knew I loved her.
I knew I would miss her.
Two days later I sat on the cool crisp paper in the doctor's office. Again vulnerable. Again with an emptyness. Again with a loss.
"Before we give you this, let's just double check some things."
Deep breath and a faint faint faint glimmer of hope...
THERE! SHE! WAS! Tiny and waiting to be known.
We sat in a doctor's office today. Parents' instinct led us there.
"There's trouble with her eye."
"A malformed optic nerve."
Surprisingly, I wasn't sick with the news. I was calm. Proud of the questions I knew to ask. Proud of the big life I know she'll still get to have despite a difference. Grateful that it's a minute difference.
"Different, not less."
I get sickening chills when I think "what ifs". What if a day earlier? What if a different doctor? What if?...
Instead I have what was.
And now this lovely, amazing what is.
Science is a fantastic, magical thing.