Clarity

One year ago this week we were told we were pregnant with Ivy.  She was so new that coupled with a painful ovarian cyst and low low hormone levels after an empty ultrasound we were told the pregnancy was ectopic.

Even though I didn't think I was ready for a second child, the heartbreak came immediately.

I knew I loved her.
Tons.
I knew I would miss her.
Tons.

Two days later I sat on the cool crisp paper in the doctor's office. Again vulnerable. Again with an emptyness. Again with a loss.

"Before we give you this, let's just double check some things."

Deep breath and a faint faint faint glimmer of hope...

...
...
...

THERE! SHE! WAS! Tiny and waiting to be known.


We sat in a doctor's office today. Parents' instinct led us there.

"There's trouble with her eye."
"A malformed optic nerve."

Surprisingly, I wasn't sick with the news. I was calm. Proud of the questions I knew to ask. Proud of the big life I know she'll still get to have despite a difference. Grateful that it's a minute difference.

"Different, not less."


I get sickening chills when I think "what ifs".  What if a day earlier?  What if a different doctor?  What if?...

Instead I have what was.
And now this lovely, amazing what is.

Science is a fantastic, magical thing.